Whether you have the experience of fighting for the smallest things in your report or constantly discussing the same topics.
So you know, you’re not alone with this problem.
Everyone has them and so do we.
I share Karolina and my story about how we learned to stop the fight and break the strategies and attitudes we develop so that we can apply the lessons we learned to your relationship!
This will help you understand why the struggles are unfolding in your relationship and what can be done to reduce and stop them.
When Karolina and I met, we had our typical honeymoon Phase and problems began to arise over the months.
The amount of fighting has steadily increased and reached a historical maximum. We fight like any other couple in small and big things.
But we did our best to resolve the fights together and understand why we fought. So that we fight less in the future.
We didn’t know what we were doing at that time, but over the years, the struggles in our relationship have found a point outside the circle.
What is worth remembering here is not only our struggle, but it took some time to find a solution. (For the past few days, the hostility has been resolved within minutes.)
As all this happened, there was little by little more space and energy to enjoy our relationship.
For every fight we no longer need, we had a pleasant company and space to work together.
We could invest all our free time and energy to create the future we wanted for ourselves.
Before talking about how to stop fighting, I will briefly talk about what a fight is and why it happens.
A better understanding of relationship conflicts in general is a useful first step in solving this problem.
Let’s jump on it.
1-What’s the fight?
In short, wrestling is a conflict between two people in a relationship where one or the other is at odds with each other’s explanations, actions or behaviors.
Here is a brief description of: what couples fight the most and how they do it.
What Couples fight
- Customer loyalty
- Destructive Behavior
- Financial issues
These are universal problems that concern all of us and are often repeated.
With Karolina and I, they often started out as small things, then they intensified on quite normal topics.
Often the reason for the struggle is not enough even to become the center of a discussion.
Instead, we often lost sight of what the fight was really about to begin!
This can lead to an endless “which is right and wrong” without a party backing down. That’s what happened to us first.
What happens during a fight?
- Average faces and gestures
- Attacking verbally
- Silent melancholy and judgment
- Maintaining love and consent
- Do physics (please don’t do that!)
- And many more beautiful human behaviors
It is important to keep in mind that this behavior has been the result of all the negotiating efforts that have failed so far.
People don’t fight for fun.it is painful and tiring.
It’s a last resort. Although you seem to be going too fast.
As you have surely discovered for yourself, these methods are not very effective in helping you get what you want from your partner.
In reality, they do not solve the questions or raise any.
On the contrary, they often aggravate the problem and bring you down.
2-Because the struggle takes place
We argue because we do not get what we need from our partner.
We have reached our limits and impose or manipulate each other in the behavior we need from them.
Fighting in a relationship can seem very complicated and frequent. But if you listen and dig deep enough, you will often find that it all comes down to very basic needs that are not met.
For example, someone might say::
“If you care about our house, I’m afraid that doesn’t mean you don’t care about me.”
“I feel very distracted and secondary when you come home so late.”
“When your mother made a sarcastic remark about me and did not call her, she told me that you think she deserved to be mistreated.”
On the surface, they are all very different scenarios, but each has one thing in common.
A person talks about feeling unwanted, carefree or loveless. To explain this point:
I can’t stress it enough.
No matter how complicated it sounds, it’s a relational problem, even if the fights seem to go somewhere and become uncontrollable. If you listen carefully, everyone has the same problem.
Someone does not get what he so desperately needs. They don’t know how or where else.
Even if this is a pragmatic problem, dig deep enough and find the partial counter(an emotional need that is not satisfied).
If he went out long enough, a person would start fighting there to get what he wants.
3-How to stop fighting in your relationship
To stop the fight in your relationship, you need to identify the reasons for your struggles and fight them.
So, how to get to the fundamental question of a topic?
Note the fights and Traces
Most couples always fight with the same problems. It may seem like a unique theme on different topics, but that’s just what happens on the surface.
Superficial Topic # 1: Karolina upset me to make a film she liked.
Superficial Topic # 2: Karolina was upset that I had no interest in a university project on her part.
The common fundamental problem: Karolina felt that she did not take it seriously.
Superficial Topic # 1: I was shocked by Karolina because I did not see the value in a book that we read together.
He was frustrated not to remember what he had told them the day before.
A common problem: I did not feel or taken seriously.
It is interesting to note that we had the same fundamental problem on both sides. That we don’t take ourselves seriously.
Keep an eye on your arguments and see what they hear or what they can be, and they seem to be repeated. This will help you identify the underlying problems, and you will be able to solve them in advance.
We are all unique, but similar.
Everyone is a loner with background and experience. But when it comes to our emotional needs, we tend to be quite similar.
Over the course of our eight-year relationship, when we spoke to other couples and families, we found that these are some of the most common problems couples face.:
“For we cannot listen!””
“Don’t you love anymore?”
Being alone ” we don’t talk or do anything together anymore.”
Why do you always take your share?!”
Why can’t you trust me?!”
We have experience that we are able to recognize the underlying problems in the thematic areas, and this is half the struggle.
We deserve a completely different level of understanding in the relationship and we get to where they both come from.
Recognizing these problems during the fight, we can see that both have the same unmet needs!
The power to address the underlying problem
As I have already written, people resort to fighting for an unfulfilled emotional need.
So understanding the underlying problem is incredibly powerful because it allows you to directly satisfy your partner’s needs.
Once they feel they have what they are missing, they no longer need to resort to fighting techniques to try to blackmail you.
It is such a powerful tool because it allows you to wipe countless arguments from the surface at once.
This has allowed us to reduce the number of our arguments so drastically.
Introduction to the Blind Spot
But we all know it’s never that simple, do we?
I’m afraid it’s time to drop a bomb. So strap yourself in and let’s face it together!
Half the time you spend discovering this unfulfilled emotional need that is the reason for your argument, you may find it really hard to admit that your partner has an unfulfilled need.
And conversely, you may find that no matter how hard you try, your partner is not willing to admit your unfulfilled emotional need at all.
The reason for this is that our parents were often unable to satisfy this need in our childhood.
So what they tell us is that it does not exist. And so we end up believing that this emotional need does not exist. ☹️
I really needed Karolina more lovingly. But her family had a strict “no affection” policy. They would literally greet each other from six feet away and never hug.
(You can imagine what it was like when Karolina introduced “Gabriel the Hugger” to her family; her mother was thrilled. )
So when I needed Karolina more, she was like…
“What do you mean, tender? Does that mean you want to have more sex?”
I wasn’t aware she had an unfulfilled need for affection, and I couldn’t understand why I was so upset.
An emotional blind spot is something that you or your partner are literally blind to.
There is nothing you can say or do that will open their eyes. They may try to scream or argue or cry, but they just don’t want to see or understand.
Believe me, for years I’ve been trying to get Karolina to see certain blind spots that she has, and vice versa, without success. We’ve tried every trick in the book, I tell you, none of us has moved.
When you argue with your partner and try to explain something to him, but they’re just stone walls.
*It’s most likely a blind spot scenario.
You literally don’t know what you mean. You probably think you’re so angry you’re angry at an apparent nothing.
What you can do with blind spots
The only way to deal with blind spots is to shift the focus from what you are angry to what you are blind.
This is probably an incredibly sensitive issue for them, and they probably don’t even realize it. So it’s time for some surgical precision. There’s no pressure.
Everyone has an emotional burden to bear.
In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to work together to overcome the problems and limitations that were imposed on them in their youth.
I have spent countless hours taking Karolina’s side, and it has helped her to be more loving to me.
I had to be understanding, patient and loving with her so that she would recognize her absence in her life and learn this ability.
Now it is no longer a topic of discussion and I am a happy man.
There were so many scenarios where Karolina needed something from me and I was blind and could not give her what she wanted!
We turned to them, in the same way!